Letting it Go!

Long story short, breastfeeding is not working for us in any capacity! I have fed little Emmy almost every hour of her life for the first three weeks and she still isn't back to her birth weight. I tried the natural way in every position possible, I asked everyone I know that has breastfed for tips and tricks, I tried meeting with a lactation counselor (who assured me that I was doing it properly), I tried pumping with three different size shields, and have even manually expressed my milk (really quite comical). All resulting in a very sore mama and not enough nourishment for my sweet little baby. That being said, I have to supplement with formula- I have extreme guilt over this decision and feel like a "failure." One of the first major decisions you make as a mom is how and what you will feed your infant. Breast milk has so many advantages and is the best for the baby so why is it so difficult? I took many paths, most of them leading to a dead end street, before I so called "gave up." I was so determined to get it right this time since I pumped every couple of hours for six months with Addison and told myself I will never do that again! I became like a dog chasing my tail--so close but just never quite got there! Complete physical and mental exhaustion led me to the decision to let it go! I found the following article online and it took a tiny fraction of my guilt away.


Formula: dealing with (guilty) feelings

Perhaps the biggest downside of the Breast is Best campaign is the way it can affect the emotions of mothers who formula-feed.

Perhaps you always intended to formula-feed but feel looked down on for your choice? Perhaps you wanted – or tried – to breastfeed but found you couldn't and now feel a failure?

Whatever your reasons for ending up with a bottle and a tin of formula, there's no need to waste a moment feeling bad about it. You've taken your decision (or had it taken for you by circumstances you could never have predicted) and, whatever anybody else might say, you're providing your baby with a perfectly acceptable source of nourishment in a way that gives her the love and contact she needs.

"I sympathize with the mums who really want to breastfeed and can't, for whatever reason, but, as for guilt, why? If you have every intention of breastfeeding and it doesn't work out for you, it's not your baby's fault or yours! Surely if a baby is happy, healthy and loved, then that's what's most important? Don't spend precious moments with your children fretting about not breastfeeding. Enjoy them: they pass so quickly." fairybit

Or, to put it more succinctly...

"If you can't breastfeed, then you can't. No guilt needed. If you choose to bottle feed, then you do. No guilt needed either." oliveoil

Unfortunately, succinct thinking isn't what you're best at when you've just had a baby. Especially if you've spent the last few weeks struggling to get your breasts working as Nature intended – and as everyone seemed hell-bent on assuring you they would, if only you tried hard enough.

You need to give full vent to your regret/disappointment/grief/pissed-off-ness before you can even begin to stop feeling guilty.

"The guilt, desperately wanting people to know I'd tried, the reading about how it was the right thing to do and how I was condemning my child to idiocy, asthma, eczema, hay fever and obesity and hating myself for not trying more. Forgiving yourself is the hardest bit. What doesn't help is the assumption that, given the facts, we will somehow all breastfeed. The Department of Health can recommend breastfeeding for six months all it likes, but they're not there when your child is throwing up your blood at 2am. Or when the breastfeeding counsellor won't come out to you. Or when the midwives all tell you you're doing fine (we weren't)." BlueyDragon

"I breastfed my first daughter but, when my second was born, there were lots of problems which led me to change to formula-feeding when she was only a week old. It broke my heart but I made the decision for the whole of my family. I cried all day and night and felt like a bad mother." nailpolish

"I think there is a lot of unexpressed grief among women who wanted to breastfeed and didn't. It's a grief that can't even be expressed in its fullness, as it is so 'normal' (culturally) to bottle feed. Many people think someone grieving over not breastfeeding is crackers: 'Where's the problem? Baby's alive and kicking!'" tiktok

Faced with feelings like these, it helps to acknowledge that although it may feel like your failure, it almost certainly wasn't yours alone...

"The vast majority of women who give up breastfeeding before six weeks have not had the right support and info to continue. If this happened to you, it is nothing for you to feel guilt about, although of course it is natural to feel sad when something you hoped for doesn't work out." tiktok

... and that there are plenty of other women out there who understand how you feel:

Once you're done with all the venting, remind yourself that being a good parent is not defined by the sort of milk you serve up.

"In a short while, you'll forget about this and start to feel guilty about something else, then something else, then something else. and so on and so on. Motherhood equals guilt. People who bottle feed don't have the monopoly on guilt." hercules

There are several other articles on the opposing side of this argument about how anyone can make it work if they just try etc., but I choose not to make myself feel even worse by reading them. I know in my heart that I tried everything I could and that it is better for me, Chad, Addi, Emmy, Boggs, my sanity, and my house if I am well rested and not 100% stressed. I can either spend the first six months of her life attached to a breast pump and not "present" for my family or I can move past this and enjoy this time that passes oh so quickly!